


Butters & Cartman Shenanigans

by shittystorywriter



Category: South Park
Genre: Butters & Cartman just being weird and stupid, Drabbles, M/M, Random & Short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 00:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20461778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shittystorywriter/pseuds/shittystorywriter
Summary: Short stupid stories involving my 2 favorite characters, Butters and Cartman





	1. Unicorns!!

The two boys casually perused the tween girl store, trying to look as low key as possible. Cartman stopped at a white table filled with sparkly, glittery blue and purple items. He couldn't help but be attracted to the eye catching display.

He picked up a shiny blue bottle and inspected it. "Mermaid bubble scrub? Oh, Lisa loves mermaids, I think I'll get one of these for her."

"Oh yeah! My little sister also loves mermaids!" Butters picked up a package of glittering "mermaid" eye shadow and looked at it excitedly. "I guess I'll get this for her!" he loudly announced as he dropped it in his shopping basket.

Cartman moved on to a new display with strawberry scented bath products. "Oh my god, they have strawberry stuff too?? I mean, my sister likes strawberries."

"Ooh! Yeah, my sister likes strawberry scented stuff too." Butters picked up a bottle of strawberry soap and threw it in his basket, while Cartman attempted to hold twelve different items in his arms. He thought having a basket would be too suspicious.

Cartman carefully picked up a package of strawberry bath bombs, attempting not to drop the growing pile of items in his arms. He held his chin on top of some things to keep them from falling.

"OH MY GOD ERIC, LOOK, UNICORNS!" Butters shouted, pointing at the section with random unicorn themed junk for little girls.

One of the store employees began laughing at Butters' outburst. Cartman looked embarrassed as he followed Butters towards the "unicorn area."

"Shhh, shut up Butters! They're going to suspect something. Oh wow, magic unicorn body glitter? I so need that." He carefully attempted to pick up the jar of glittery goo, and that's when everything toppled over out of his arms and onto the floor.

Two of the employees watching laughed again, as one of them made their way over to Cartman.

"Fuck!" he muttered under his breath.

"Need some help?" The sales employee asked, before bending down to help him pick up and carry some of the things he dropped. Cartman picked up the remaining half.

"Uh, woops, I'm just trying to get some stuff for my little sister, forgot to take a basket, heh," he stuttered nervously.

"Yeah, we're just getting stuff for our female relatives!" Butters chimed in. Cartman discretely kicked him in the leg.

"Got it. You guys ready to check out?" the assistant asked.

"Yeah, I guess so! I guess this is enough stuff for uh, my sister, my other sister, my other sister, and my cousin!" Butters responded unconvincingly. Cartman rolled his eyes.

The cashier rang up their stuff slowly, seemingly examining every thing they bought. Or so it seemed to Cartman, at least.

"Lucky ladies, you guys come in here to buy stuff for them all the time!" she commented with a knowing smirk.

"Uh yeah, well, the women in my family are really ugly and they smell bad, so I feel bad for them. It's the least I can do. They're so ugly they're afraid to show their face at the mall." Butters smiled up at the cashier as she handed him his bags.

She looked at him oddly before muttering a "have a good day" and they exited the store.

Cartman burst into a snortling laughter that he had been trying to hold in at the check out counter.

"Whew. Well, that was a success," Butters said, carrying two bags full of bath & beauty items.

"Totally. That was close, but I don't think they suspected a thing," Cartman replied.

"Let's go to that makeup store next?" Butters grinned.

"Yeah, we'll just say we're getting makeup for our grandmas this time," Cartman decided with a shrug.

"Kay!"


	2. Male Pregnancy

"Eric, we've been playing this game for five hours now. Don't you wanna get up and do something?" Butters complained, throwing his controller down and stretching his arms out. His muscles were starting to get cramped from sitting there on the couch for so long.

Cartman rolled his eyes as he laid back into his comfy couch. The seat where he usually sat was beginning to form a large indentation, molded to his shape from continuous sitting.

He yawned and laid his hands behind his head. "Ugh. No. Too lazy to move, dude."

Butters took notice of Cartman's extended stomach, which stuck out like a plump island. "Maybe you outta get out and get some exercise."

Oops. He should not have said that. Cartman looked expectedly offended. "Oh my god! What are you, Kyle? Making fatphobic remarks about my weight now, huh?!"

Butters eyes widened. He waved his hands dismissively. "No, no, I didn't mean it like that!"

"Well then how did you mean it?? Telling someone to exercise is basically the same as calling them a fat asshole! I thought you were nice, Butters. I was wrong!"

Butters sighed. "Woah, hey, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that you should go out more! But, since you mentioned it..your belly is kinda big. And you do sit around a lot. Ya outta take care of your health."

Cartman gasped. "I can't believe you just said that! How rude! I'll let you know that I have a...medical condition causing my stomach to be larger than usual."

Butters looked intrigued. "Really? What is it?"

Cartman looked up in thought for a moment. Butters waited patiently for his response.

"Butters..I'm pregnant."

The blonde boy's jaw dropped. "Oh my god! For real?"

"Yeah." Cartman shrugged. "I only found out about this recently. Don't tell anyone."

"But..you're only ten! And..you're a boy! I thought that was impossible."

Cartman shook his head. "Well, the doctor told me boys can get pregnant too, it's just incredibly rare. Apparently I'm one of the rare cases."

"How did it happen?" Butters asked, voice laced with genuine belief and curiousity.

Cartman took a deep breath. "Well..do you remember that one time, when we had a sleepover, and you woke up and noticed that somehow your penis had accidentally fallen into my mouth?"

Butters jogged his memory for the particular incident. "Oh yeah. That was weird. I wonder how my pecker got out of my pajama pants." He rubbed his chin in confusion.

"I don't know, it was totally bizarre! But anyway, I think some of your creamy goo got in my mouth, and I may have accidentally swallowed some of it."

Butters looked intrigued. "So what does that mean?"

Cartman sighed. "It means that your semen got into my stomach and made me pregnant. Duh."

Butters gasped in shock. "Oh my god! I didn't even know it worked like that! Does this mean..I'm the daddy??"

"Unfortunately, yes. This means you're a dad now. I know we're too young to be parents at ten years old, but I can't do anything about it..besides getting an abortion." Cartman looked solemn as he spoke.

Butters shook his head. He patted Cartman's belly in awe. "No! We can't kill our baby! I may only be ten years old, but I'm gonna live up to my responsibilities as a father."

A smile slowly crept up on Cartman's face. "Oh, that's so mature of you! It's nice to know I won't have to go through this alone. Hey, since I'm like, totally pregnant and not feeling too well, do you think you could get me some ice cream?"

Butters nodded. "Of course!"

"With cherries, hot fudge sauce, sprinkles and whipped cream, please?" Cartman asked, grinning.

"Okay!" Butters replied, turning on his heel.

"Oh! Wait! Maybe some crushed walnuts as well?" Cartman added, smiling sweetly.

"Got it! I'll be right back!" Butters frantically ran out the door in pursuit of the nearest ice cream shop.

"Heh heh heh. Sucker!" Cartman chuckled to himself. He leaned back into the sofa and smiled. Next, he'd feign pregnancy cramps and get Butters to do his homework. Butters was too damn gullible.


	3. Aberzombie

Butters was watching TV when the doorbell rang. Who could it be? It was raining heavily outside, and ever since the guys stopped following his men's rights group, he'd been spending a lot of time alone. He shrugged and got up to answer the door.

The door creaked open to reveal none other than Eric Cartman, drenched from the rain, looking solemnly down at the ground. A blanket was wrapped around his shoulders. He sniffled and slowly looked up to meet Butters eyes.

Butters looked at him worriedly. "Eric! What's wrong??"

"S-s-she..broke up with meeee!" Cartman whined like a four year old.

Butters rolled his eyes. "Again?" He stepped aside and opened the door up, allowing Cartman to come inside. He stepped into the living room, still sniffling and clutching his blanket.

"Y-yeah..I don't even know why. I was so nice to her. I was literally the best boyfriend ever, Butters. And then she dumped me, like a hot steaming pile of turds."

Butters didn't seem very sympathetic. He sat back down on the couch and flipped through the channels casually. "Yeah, well join the club! That's freakin women for ya. Dirty lying sneaky snakes, that's all they are."

Eric rubbed his eyes and sat down on the couch. "Girls are so lame..they're almost as bad as Jews."

"They're worse than Jews! At least some Jews have weiners. Girls don't even have any. That's why they want to kill us."

"Yeah, you're totally right, Butters." Cartman turned to face his blonde friend. He noticed how bright his blue eyes were. It never occurred to him before what a fine Aryan specimen he was. And he didn't have a vagina to use to trick and deceive people, which somehow made him even more dreamy. Wait, wait, wait..dreamy?! That was gay. Cartman totally wasn't gay, not even slightly, so he erased the thought from his head.

"God, I hate vaginas!" Butters continued.

"You literally just read my mind," Cartman returned with a smile. He never really thought too much before how perfect Butters was. And seeing Butters looking angry was hot - nonono, more gay thoughts. He needed to get rid of these impure thoughts. It was all the fault of the Jewish media trying to control his mind and make him homosexual.

"So do you want to go do something?" Butters asked.

Cartman didn't respond immediately, too entranced staring at Butters. He eventually snapped out of it. "Oh. Uh, yeah, sure. What do you want to do?"

"I dunno. My mom is getting ready to go to the mall. Want me to ask her if she can drop us off too?" Butters shrugged.

Cartman shrugged as well. "Yea I guess that's fine. Nothing better to do anyway."

When they got to the mall they split up from Butters' mom, agreeing to meet up with her in two hours. They wandered around aimlessly for awhile, looking at the stores but not really going inside many of them.

Cartman stopped in his tracks when he saw an Aberzombie & Mitch store. In the window was a large black and white poster of a shirtless male model. For some reason, he couldn't take his eyes off it. Butters waved a hand in front of his face. "Eric? Hellloooo, Eric!"

Cartman jumped and looked down, embarrassed to have been caught staring at the shirtless dude on the poster. "Oh, sorry, I was just, uh..."

"Staring at that guy's abs? I know, I noticed it too. It's so demeaning to men! Those models are half naked, for christ sake! Parading their rock hard abs, chiseled jawlines and firm butts for the world to see, like they're just some kinda pieces of meat! It makes me sick."

"Let's go in that store," Cartman said without thinking.

"Okay," Butters agreed, following behind him all too happily as they entered the musky cologne smelling den of overpriced polo tees and shirtless super models.

"Wow, look at that poster, it's literally just a photo of a guy's crotch and underwear," Cartman commented, pointing at a black and white poster.

"So inappropriate!" Butters replied. "And look at this one, another close up of some guy's abs." He ran his hand over the poster, Cartman joining in as well.

"Hot. I mean, gross." Cartman shrugged.

"Let's get out of here, this place is terrible," Butters complained.

"Yeah, is it OK if I just take some pictures first? You know, for documentation and stuff." Cartman took out his cell phone and began snapping pics of the sexy posters.

"Yeah, good idea, I think I'll do that too." Butters pulled his own phone out and did the same. "So we can document the discrimination against men."

Cartman nodded. "Totally."

"Maybe I'll print some of these out and keep them under my bed just in case I lose them from my phone," Butters said.

"Can you print some out for me too?" Cartman asked. "You know, in case you lose them or something."

"Sure thing!" Butters replied with a smile, as he snapped another photo of two guys in speedos holding soccer balls. "Now let's get out of this disgusting place!"

Cartman pretended to gag. "Yeah, the smell of heavy cologne and male oppression in here is making me sick!"


	4. Lasagna Porn

Butters sighed, tapping on his office desk as he waited for his work to save on the computer. He hated his boring job. Just then he saw a notification pop up on his phone and picked it up.

Eric: Wats up babe?

Butters: nothing. just bored at work

The response came quickly.

Eric: oh ya same here. Anyway...I'm hungry ;) Want to indulge my taste buds?

Butters: Eric, not now. I'm at work!

Eric: why not? It's not like the boss can see your phone

Butters: Ugh, fine...gee, you must be really hungry that you can't wait!

Eric: oh you bet. I'm STARVING. I wonder what's for dinner? ;)

Butters nervously looked around the office, making sure nobody was around to see the scandalous text conversation that was about to take place. He shrugged and began typing.

Butters: Well, now that you mention it..I was thinking about a nice lasagna

Eric: Mmmm

Butters: tell me, how do you want it?

Eric: you know how I like my pasta...not too hard, but not too soft..

Butters: al dente? ;)

Eric: you know it...and what about the rest of it? the sauce and the cheese..I'm getting excited just thinking about it

Butters: oh yeah? Imagine fresh tomato sauce..simmered with a little garlic...fresh basil and oregano...spread on top of the steaming lasagna noodles

Eric: o god, don't stop

Butters: and then..a layer of savory parmesan sauce

Eric: fuck

Eric: what about the ricotta? I'm such a bad boy... I want ricotta too ;)

Butters: oh don't u worry, because there will be ricotta..the very best ricotta cheese ever, straight from an Italian cow, freshly made just this morning

Eric: oh..my god. And what about the mozzarella? ;)

Butters: it will be topped with the best mozzarella in the world. Fresh, chewy, stringy, soft and gooey..

Eric: ohhhh...just imagining it when it melts in the oven is getting me so excited

Eric: I can almost taste it on my tongue now...I want to lick every bit of that lasagna

Butters: it will be so hot..when it comes out of the oven..steaming..

Butters: the smell of tomato, cheese and basil pouring out when you pull the foil off..

Eric: ahhhh

Eric: jesus babe, I can't handle any more teasing. can't wait until dinner tonight

Butters: mmm..seeya when I get off work.

Eric: wait for me before you get started. I want to be there while the lasagna still hot ;)

Butters: okay, you sexy little piggy

5 minutes passed before another person suddenly responded to the IMs.

Stan: wtf did I just read?

Upon receiving a special notification that Stan had sent a text, Kyle checked his phone as well. He quickly skimmed over the texts, eyebrow raised, before bursting into laughter. His coworkers looked at him as he attempted to stifle his laughter.

Kyle: Dude. I'm at work trying not to die here

Butters: Eric, we're in a group text! Did you forget to send the text just to me??

Eric: ....

Eric: haha! It was a joke you guys!

Eric: we really pranked them! I bet they thought this was a real convo!

Butters: oh yeah! we sure did prank them! LOL!

Kyle: K

Stan: Wow.

Butters nervously tapped out of the group text and opened up his one on one text convo with Eric.

Butters: well that was embarrassing

Eric: yeah, um..sorry about that. we still on for that lasagna tho?

Butters: Of course ;)

Eric: sweet ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (no, there are no sexual innuendos in this. they're literally just talking about lasagna.)


End file.
